Wow! Yesterday turned into a rather dramatic day and I have to say, I am really bloody proud of myself on so many fronts.
So there I am minding my own business, just had a delivery of a giant box with 10 tons of bubble wrap protecting 4 dinner plates and 4 sides plates, so there I am wading through the mess when all of a sudden my sibling rings to tell me my Mum has been in a car crash! Not just a car crash though, but a 5 car pile up! Luckily, as it turns out things aren’t too serious and there are no serious injuries, just cuts and bruises, but the car is a write-off. The police and paramedics are there and she’ll call later.
So, my first act of bravery, she needs picking up. Luckily she was only about 8 miles up the road so not too far, however, ever since my agoraphobia relapse in early 2017, I’m yet to drive on my own any considerable distance (more than 1/2 a mile). When I’m with someone, I have no problem, I can go pretty much anywhere – but solo, I don’t know how I’ll cope, but I just thought to myself, if I can’t do this now, for my Mum, given everything she has done for me, then I’ll never be able to do it, so just put your big girl knickers on and go and get her. So off I went.
To start with I was really nervous, as my therapist would say, I was definitely indulging in some safety behaviours for the first mile or so, but it was a case of by any means necessary! After a while, I managed to calm down and just… drive. It was good. Not quite like normal, definitely not like the old days, but much, much better.
I met Mum, took some pictures of the car, tried to arrange the car to be towed but the RAC wanted to charge us, so we had to go home and sort the insurance, after that it was a manic day of driving here there and everywhere, we went to the doctors and the pains in her chest had gotten worse, luckily its just bruise cartilage and codeine and rest was prescribed, then we had to find a pharmacy that was open, then my sibling needed shopping so we had to get that and drop it in to her, but this time it was 9pm.
Now all my Mum wants is food and bed, she asks for McDonald’s. No problem I tell her. So we go to the McDonald’s drive-thru and I’ll admit I was tempted, I’ll admit I thought about it, I’ll even admit to buying a large Coke Zero! But that’s all I had. I drove Mum home and set her and Dad up with their food and went and made a three course meal of Ham and Mushroom Pasta Soup, a Beef and Veggies Ready meal and 200g of fresh strawberries, as the last time I had eaten was 11am when I had my morning porridge!
Having that control over myself and choosing to stick to my plan was so empowering. I really think I am making big progress over my emotional eating and my boredom/habitual eating. I am using food for fuel, my body needs quality fuel to function, I’d like it to taste good as a bonus, but I’m really trying had to retrain my brain not to reward myself with food anymore.
So many things I used to associate with food I don’t anymore – sitting up late with Mum watching TV used to mean a couple of cans of (diet) fizzy drink and at least 4 slices of toast with butter and/or jam or two cheese and ham toasties. I notice now whenever I have a diet fizzy drink (I have had one occasionally, maybe one can a week) I immediately feel really hungry.
It had gotten so bad before I started this plan that I would wake up at 3am and look for something to wat, sometimes I wouldn’t even leave my bed, I would make sure to leave stuff within reaching distance and not even open my eyes. Now I can have my last meal at 9 or 10pm and not go to sleep until 1am (I’m a night owl – sue me!) and not get up until 11am and be fine, I’ll be ready for my breakfast, but I won’t be starving hungry.
I know it is early days, I am only part way through week 5 and these changes will only really be real when it stops being week anything and is just… life, but I have to admit, I have been trying to lose weight for the best part of 20 years and this is one of the very few times I have felt this way, this confident, I feel something is different this time, I really hope it is.
Featured Image by George Desipris from Pexels