Day 35: Old Habits

I’m on the brink of starting my final week having completed 5 weeks of this eating plan with no blips, cheats or slips. It’s unheard of! And yet, as I sit here, 3:21 in the morning, I find myself thinking like my old self. I am going through the same thought process that would end in a binge. What makes it worse is there is currently chocolate sat in my fridge and fudge in my freezer for “when I finish this 6 week thing” as my Mum put it.

I am trying to distract myself by writing this post. I know what you’re thinking, why aren’t you asleep? Well, I’ve had a lot on my mind lately and find sleep rather allusive. But this isn’t about what you’re thinking, it’s about what I’m think and right now I’m thinking, “go and have a bit of chocolate, a little bit won’t hurt”.

I don’t want to be weak anymore, I don’t want to have thoughts like that anymore. I know this total food replacement diet isn’t long term and real life doesn’t work like that. A real, healthy life includes a healthy relationship with things like chocolate, but I’m not ready yet. I can’t just have a small piece and put the rest away. It makes me wonder if I’ll ever be able to. You never hear alcoholics recovering and being able to have just one drink do you? Only the delusional ones. They abstain in order to stay healthy and happy. Is that what I am going to have to do? Live all or nothing? Be eating salads and mineral water or crashing and binging on cake, chocolate and milkshakes?

I really hope not. I honestly think it’s possible to have a healthy relationship with food. I just need to relearn everything. If I give in to this binge now, I’m only reaffirming that unhealthy food = rewarding. I’ve worked really hard over the last 5 weeks to rewire the mess in my head, I think it might require the help of a professional!

I have had all my meals today, and all my snacks. It is the middle of the night, I am not hungry, my body has been provided with sufficient fuel, this is completely emotional and psychological.

I will try again to go to sleep. It’s weigh in tomorrow (Monday). I’m worried I won’t have a good loss this week as I have eaten an awful lot of fruit this week, but we’ll see what the scales say and I’ll go from there. I think it’s time to bring my calories down from 1000 to 850 for the last week too.

Thanks for reading and if you have any ideas for distracting yourself from binging impulses leave me a comment.

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